The 3 Parts of An Effective Apology
The Three Essential Elements of an Effective Apology
Being human means getting things wrong and learning from our mistakes. We become better people and better partners by taking the lessons we learn from messing up and applying them to future situations. Part of being in relationship involves learning what does and doesn’t work for our partners, what their raw spots are, the places that they are sensitive and need to be approached with kindness and care. Likewise, we learn where we have blind spots, where we may react out of hurt by being insensitive or unkind. An apology can go a long way to making repairs, letting a hurt partner let go of their pain and enabling the relationship to move forward into the future without the pain of past wounds weighing it down. For an apology to be an effective, however it has to contain three essential elements.
1) Name the specific action that hurt your partner.
An effective apology needs to recognize the specific behavior that was hurtful, and it needs to express ownership. “I’m sorry I forgot to call” is very different from “I’m sorry I got too busy last night.”
2) Take full ownership of both the action and the hurt it caused.
When we feel hurt by a loved one, we want them to see and understand the pain we experienced. We need this recognition in order to feel safe that the hurtful experience won’t happen again. Taking full responsibility shows maturity and investment in the relationship, and helps the hurt partner feel the sense of safety that is essential to trust and healthy connection.
3) State how you’ll prevent hurtful behavior from recurring. Then follow through.
It does no good to do Steps 1 & 2 if the hurtful behavior is going to continue or repeat itself. A hurt partner will need to know that you are acting with care for their feelings. Often these fixes can be relatively easy. If we are forgetful about time or task, we can make ourselves reminders or lists. Other actions can run more deep, especially when they involve areas of breaking trust or risky behavior. Such issues may be arising due to substance use or compulsive behaviors.. If problematic drinking, substance use, infidelity, gambling, porn use, or other behaviors are the cause of relationship pain, further intervention in the form of individual therapy, 12-step, and group therapy can help create change that restores trust that behaviors problematic to the relationship are being addressed.
