Emotionally Focused Therapy

You want the approaches that work. 

If you are exploring your options for couples therapy, you know how painful it can feel to be in repeated conflicts with your partner.  People often seek out couples therapy when persistent arguments over issues like finances, raising children, family dynamics, and issues of trust, really start to threaten the viability of the relationship.

Some approaches to couples therapy try to tackle these issues head on, with each partner arguing their point of view. Such sessions run into obstacles, as partners repeatedly push back and forth, and the therapist tries to mediate. Sessions can end with the partners feeling no better than they they did at the beginning.

EFT takes a different approach that results in high rates of success.

Developed in Ottawa, Canada, by Dr. Sue Johnson and her team of clinicians and researchers, EFT utilizes three successful models of psychotherapy (humanistic, experiential, and systems therapies) and integrates them into one highly effective approach for helping couples.  Over the past 30 years, EFT has grown into one of the most effective approaches for helping couples reduce conflict and regain connection, with studies showing success rates of over 70%.

Why couples argue - and why EFT works.

The brilliance of EFT is that it is dives beneath opinions and reactive emotions and gets to the heart of connection. EFT is grounded in the science of attachment, a heavily researched field of psychology which has repeatedly shown deep connection to be one of our most basic human needs. We are wired with an intricate biological response system devoted to connection - and that response system is what we call emotion  We need to know that we matter to someone, that someone will be there if we’re in need, that we are safe.  The more we get this, the happier we feel.

Throughout our lives, and into our marriages and romantic relationships, our emotional attachment system becomes focused on our partners - that deep need for connection stays constant. The core questions, “Am I wanted? Am I safe? Can I count on you?” remain part of our emotional survival system. If we feel safe and loved and cared for, then happiness and contentment follow. If, however, we start to doubt whether our partner is really trustworthy, really there for us, our attachment system feels the threat, and we will feel any number of painful emotions. We may feel hurt, worried, and afraid of being unwanted, undesired, uncared for. Most of us don’t like these feelings - what we call vulnerable emotions - we feel more power in anger, irritation, and frustration, and when we feel bad, we often express the anger, what we call protective emotion: you feel angered about something your partner says, and you raise your voice, but then your partner feels attacked by you, and snaps right back, or maybe shuts off, leaving you feeling even more alone. So begins the negative cycle.

What does that mean, the negative cycle?

In EFT, we talk a lot about negative and positive cycles. That’s because the very nature of relationships is cyclical, a call and response, a dance back and forth. Positive cycles are full of kind and loving responses - you give your partner a compliment and they smile and give you a hug. Positive cycles feel wonderful; they’re why we get into relationships in the first place.  But the truth is that living a life with another human, needing that other person, is always going to be complex, because we are human, and its inevitable, even in the best relationships, that there are going to be missed cues and misunderstandings, and when someone snaps or raises their voice or fails to respond, the attachment system alarm bells can go off very quickly. We feel hurt, then angry, and we exchange harsh words. Over time, negative cycles can escalate in intensity and seriously undermine confidence and trust in the relationship. Trivial disagreements can blow up into harsh words and pained silences, leaving you both feeling hurt, confused, and stuck. Deep down, you wonder if you really matter to your partner, if they really care for you. Those fears and hurts stick around as you wait for your partner to give you a sign that you do matter, but the tragedy of the negative cycle is that your partner is feeling that pain as well. You can’t see each other’s pain from across the great divide of the negative cycle.