How Couples Therapy Restores Closeness and Connection
Reason 1
It physically hurts when we argue with our spouse or partner.
We literally feel physical pain and discomfort when our spouse or partner stops offering care and love, when we experience them shutting off and becoming unresponsive to our efforts to connect. The moment we feel that physical pain and discomfort, that causes the survival circuits of our nervous system to kick into gear, and we begin to function on instinct…
Reason 2
When our instinct to self-protect kicks in, we lose our capacity for connection.
When we hurt, we function by instinct. A very different part of our nervous system, a very different part of who we are, kicks in. The self-protective instinctual part of us overrides the caring and reasonable “human” part of us, On the level of neuroscience, the neocortex, the uniquely human part of our brain, gets hijacked by the much older and more powerful amygdala, the alarm bells of our survival “reptilian” brain. The reptilian brain only knows two options for response, and neither of them are helpful or effective at communicating.
Reason 3
Fight-or-flight in relationship means argue-or-withdraw.
With so many daily challenges of modern living, from finances to kids to housekeeping to sex, life presents us with many subtle situations which take patience, care, kindness, and nuanced communication. For all of these challenge, fight-or-flight are very unhelpful options, yet fight-or-flight is what we are reduced to when we become triggered - when we feel hurt and get caught in our self-protective instinct. Instead of connecting, we end up yelling at or shutting off from the person we love, which in turn leaves our partner feeling hurt. They respond in kind from a self-protective place, and the next thing we know…
Reason 4
We get stuck in a negative feedback loop with our partner,
The moment express anger, frustration, or contempt through raising our voice or shutting off, our partner responds in kind, and then we react to that in a more intensified way, as do they. Voices get raised, hurtful words are exchanged, and suddenly, the partner who only moments before was a safe haven of love and safety becomes a threatening and hostile entity. Harsh protective response meets harsh protective response. Thoughts of alarm pour in, reminding you of all the times your partner has hurt you in the past. Your defense systems goes into overdrive to make sure you won’t be hurt again. This is what we call a negative cycle. We do and say a lot of things we later regret when we get caught in the negative cycle.
Reason 5
Negative cycles don’t tend get better on their own.
Fears of rejection and abandonment are deeply rooted. They go all the way back to our childhoods, to old and often long-buried memories of our parents or caregivers. These painful places are called raw spots. Over the course of our relationship, our partners may do things that hit these raw spots, and with each repetition, the protective behaviors and the negative cycles becomes more entrenched, leaving us with negative suspicions about our partner - that they don’t really care about us, that they can’t be trusted, that they don’t really love us, that we can’t really rely on them. Such negative assumptions can cause us to become even more self-protective, and more reactive to perceived slights, drawing us into an infinity loop of arguments, blame cycles, and painful interactions.
Now, The Good News
Couples Therapy Breaks the Negative Cycle and Restores Hope
Suffering is not inevitable. The feelings of safety, hope, and connection that we long to feel in our marriages and relationships are possible. One of the reasons that Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT) is so effective is that it targets the negative cycles that we get stuck in with our partners and spouses. EFT focuses attention on the raw spots that set off the negative cycle and our self-protective responses, and it enables ourselves and our partners to better understand the underlying fears and feelings of hurt that trigger the self-protective responses.
As the light of understanding begins to replace the darkness of fear and doubt, the alarm bells and red flashing lights begin to fade away, and we begin to see our partners, once again, not as threats, but as those special individuals whom we so love. We see how we long for and cherish their care and attention, and as we do so, we learn to become better at letting them know all of this in softer tones that they can hear, softer tones that will not trigger their protective response, softer tones that will get our emotional needs met. As this happens, we become more confident in the relationship.
Our trust in our partner grows, and as we feel their care and positivity, we react in kind, making ourselves available and responsive to their longings and needs. We become more able to express our hurt in calmer and clearer ways that allow us to be more responsive to each other in our relationships, The old negative cycles of painful conflict fade, and are replaced by positive cycles of care and engagement.
Interested in Couples Therapy?
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