An Easy Connection Practice
Life Is Busy. Time is Short.
The stresses of daily life can make it difficult to maintain connection. As we hurry to meet demands of work, kids, family, and other responsibilities, it can be difficult to find time to build the connection that makes relationship fun and rewarding.
Rose and Thorns
Rose and Thorns is a quick and effective way to create meaningful connection. All you need is 15 - 20 minutes. This practice gives you the chance to open up and share, which in turn creates a base of connection and trust that will enhance your experience of relationship throughout the rest of the day.
Step 1 : Set Aside Time For 15-20 Minutes of Connection
First, find a time that works. You want to do this daily, (or near-daily), so it helps to make it a routine. A daily walk works well. So do mornings over coffee or tea. For parents, evenings often work well, once the kids have gone to bed. The brief 15-20 minutes will get you both in the habit of opening up to each other about your feelings, which is the key element to building connection and reducing conflict.
Step 2 : Take a Minute to Slow Down
If you’ve been in a hurry, be sure to take a moment to catch your breath. Take a minute to breathe. Slow down enough to be present for your feelings and your partners feelings.
Step 3: Partner 1 Shares for 5-10 minutes
Choose who goes first.
Start with a '“Rose”: something you feel happy or grateful for, something good from the past day. Examples of Roses might be a good-night sleep, a positive experience at work, or with a child or family member. Roses are great opportunities to appreciate your partner, to let them know something they did that you feel grateful for.
Next, share a “Thorn”: something challenging or difficult. Examples of thorns could be feeling tired, a health concern, a challenge at work, or an issue with a family member. A good formula for sharing a Thorn is to say, “I’m feeling (emotion/physical sensation) because of (the thorny issue).”
Important:
Don’t make the Thorn about your partner. This exercise is about making connection. Save those dialogs for another time and a contained space, such as a couples-therapy session.
If you are the listener, be sure to just listen. Many of us have been trained to fix and problem-solve, so it can be hard to listen without problem solving. One of the biggest discoveries with this exercise is that the best gift you can your partner is simply you : your empathy and your presence. In essence, this is a practice of active listening, a powerful relationship skill. This video will teach you more about it.
Step 3: SWITCH. Partner 2 Shares for 5-10 minutes
A Few Final Pointers To Maximize Connection
Things to Do :
Practice being a good listener so that your partner will feel heard and understood
Express appreciations to your partner if you feel their care, love, and support
Be present. Eye contact is great. Caring touch, such as a hand on the back, is also great. Let your partner know you hear them, that you’re with them.
Things to Avoid
Avoid venting. Use your words. Describe your emotion. (“I feel worried/angry/frustrated…)
Avoid getting distracted. This time is special, so leave the screens off.
Avoid interrupting. Give your partner space to share openly.
Avoid solution-finding and fixing. Your empathy and care are enough.
