Learn: The 5 Parts of Emotional Response
Often when we begin couples therapy, we are hyper-aware of our partners flaws and shortcomings. We feel a lot of anger, hurt, fear, and blame. What couples learn from the EFT journey is that, because all relationships are cyclical by nature, there are ways we inadvertently elicit behaviors from our partners that we so dislike.
Part of what makes Emotionally Focused Therapy so effective is that it trains couples to see, understand, and gain control over the emotional reactivity that drives cycles of conflict and disconnection. As we learn to see our part in the negative cycle, we learn to make more skillful choices that help our partners to feel more safe and valued. They respond in kind, softening, and making choices that help us feel more seen and valued. Together, you and your partner break the negative dance and create new dances of connection and engagement. We begin that process by gaining clarity about the five elements of your emotional response.
Triggers - (Get SPECIFIC)
We all have triggers. Think of those specific moments that you feel irritated, angered, or hurt by your partner. Maybe you come home and there’s a pile of dirty dishes lying around; or your partner stays out two hours later than expected without so much as a call or text. Maybe they roll their eyes when you say something, or respond to you with a dismissive comment. When our partner does or says that thing that triggers us, it sets off an emotional chain reaction inside of us.
START by getting super SPECIFIC about your triggers, as specific as possible. Getting specific helps to counteract the force of PAIN STORIES and the negative labels we might apply to our partners.. “My partner is mean/harsh/selfish, etc.” Such labels maintain conflict and disconnection, because no partner is going to be very caring and responsive when they have been affixed with a negative label. To whatever extent possible, we want to put the pain stories aside, and instead, try to locate the specific moments, or triggers, when our partners do that thing that leaves us feeling hurt, sad, alone, uncared for. What is the exact thing your partner does that sets you off? Focusing on the trigger makes the scope of the issue far more managable, easier to communicate about, and thus, far easier to resolve than negative stories and labels.
Vulnerable Emotion - (It’s Physical)
When your partner does that thing (TRIGGER) that feels neglectful or uncaring, your body gets hit with a jolt of adrenaline, and you feel physical discomfort and vulnerable emotion. Vulnerable emotions take many forms, with fear being the heavyweight of vulnerable emotions. Fear of rejection, fear of failing, fear of abandonment, fear of losing connection. Fear and a gang of other uncomfortable emotions, like loneliness, sadness, and confusion, among others. These emotions are painful – they literally light up the brain’s pain centers – and they set off a wave of physical reactions: adrenaline rush, rapid heartbeat, tightness, and nausea, just to name a few. In short, vulnerable emotions hit us hard, throw us off, and at times can feel so threatening that they can leave us worried and overwhelmed. Feeling out of control is about the worst thing we can experience. Our nervous systems, after all, crave clarity, consistency, and control above all else, and we try to maintain this by thinking, specifically story and meaning-making.
Meaning-Making/Internal Dialog/Pain Stories
The moment you feel hurt by your partner, adrenaline, cortisol, and other stress hormones are released into the blood stream. The heart pumps faster. Blood pressure rises. The threat center of the brain, the amygdala, kicks in. Memories of past hurts flood in, weaving a narrative about your partner that may increase the sense of unease. If you have been through painful or difficult relationships in your formative years, or in earlier close relationships, those deep places can get triggered too. In no time at all, the otherwise minor trigger can churn out protective thoughts and pain stories… “He’s always so insensitive”…”I never can count on her”...”He doesn’t care about your feelings…”
Such thoughts express our pain stories about our partner, and they also express self-blaming shame stories about ourselves… “I am such an idiot…” “I’ll never get it right…” “No one will ever love me…”
Protective Emotion
As human beings, we don’t have much tolerance for vulnerability. We want to feel empowered and in control. Growing up, we watch our parents and other adults in our lives model how to enlist the emotional tough guys, the protective emotions of anger, irritation, impatience, frustration, and disgust. And as adults, we’ve usually had many years of practicing with these warriors as well. Protective emotions point a sharp index finger outward and make the other person the problem. Unfortunately, when we point this energy outward at our partner, that tends to trigger their protective emotions, and around and around the negative cycle goes.
Action Tendencies - Protective Behaviors
In a split second, we move from trigger to protective behaviors, usually without ever noticing the emotional elements of our reaction. Action tendencies are the thing that you have seen your partner do time and time again. You are probably very aware of their unkind comment, the dismissive frown, the raised voice, the distant gaze, walking out of the room, just as your partner is probably very aware of yours. The key thing for us to realize is that our protective behaviors trigger the protective behaviors of our partners.
If you keep looking at your phone when your partner is trying to share something important with you, don’t be surprised when they raise their voice. If you raise your voice and shout at your partner, don’t be surprised when they get up and leave the room. If you walk out of the room on your partner, don’t be surprised when they shout something critical about how insensitive you are. Each one of these action tendencies is a form of PROTEST - a protest to be heard and seen, a protest to keep the peace and avoid escalation. The problem with this kind of protest is that we inadvertently undermine the very connection we so longingly seek. The negative cycle does not care about well-meaning intentions. It is simply a chain reaction that happens quickly, automatically, and creates a great deal of pain in a very short time.
Explore and Practice
The good news is that you and your partner can learn to break out of the negative cycle between you. The following questions help explore the elements of the cycle. Get out a pad and paper, see what answers arise, and if you can, bring them to your therapy sessions.
Triggers: What is the SPECIFIC thing your partner did/does that so bothers/upsets you? Again, try to be as specific as possible, the precise action, facial expression, tone of voice, or words they spoke.
Vulnerable Emotion: When that trigger happens, what do you feel deep down on the inside? What vulnerable emotions do you feel? What happens to your body when you feel this pain?
STORY/Thoughts/Meaning Making: When fear, sadness, loneliness, or shame is triggered by your partner’s behavior, what are the stories that tend to swirl inside? What do your thoughts have to say about yourself, about your partner, and about the relationship itself?
Protective Emotions and Behaviors: When these unpleasant emotional experiences happen on the inside, what are the ways that you protest on the outside? What emotions and behaviors does your partner usually see?
Extra Credit:
How do you impact your partner when your protective emotions take hold?
What vulnerable feelings do they feel when you react from your protective behavior?
What are the pain stories they tell themselves in those moments?