How to Stop Arguments From Doing Harm
Time-outs. In sports, they create a break in the action and enable a shift in mood and momentum. A skillfully used time-out can turn a losing situation into a winning opportunity. The same is true in relationships.
When an argument starts, a lot happens very fast. (This article goes into more depth.) Our bodies and our minds shift into self-protection mode, and in a split second, we may lose all of the empathy and care we feel for our partners, and instead suddenly remember the times we’ve felt slighted, wronged, or misunderstood. Adrenaline and cortisol send the heart racing, massive amounts of blood course through the body; our thoughts lose awareness and become captives to fear and anger. The same thing happens for our partner. And so around and around the negative cycle goes. Even a minor comment over a minor issue can escalate into an intense, heated, and potentially destructive argument.
This is why the Time-Out is such an essential relationship skill. We need a way to catch ourselves when we get triggered, before things escalate. By learning to call Time-Outs, we can prevent a destructive arguments from happening and quickly re-engage our ability to resolve issues and come back to closeness and connection.
The 4 Essential Steps of a Relationship Time-Out
1) A partner calls a timeout by saying, “I need a time-out.”
Either partner can call a Time-Out, and it’s good to do so as soon as you start to feel hurt or frustrated. Often, one partner may want to settle things then and there, so it’s helpful to think of a time-out as a pause, so that things can be talked through without escalation and the pain and damage that bad arguments inflict.
2) Whoever calls the Time-Out - Request a specific amount of break time.
Do you need three minutes, ten minutes, thirty minutes, or an hour? Providing your partner with a specific amount of time lets them know that you’ll be coming back soon to reconnect.
If this doesn’t happen. If someone throws up their hands and walks out the door, they leave their partner feeling hurt and abandoned, which tends to prolong the conflict and deepen feelings of mistrust. Letting your partner know when you’ll be back creates safety and understanding.
3) Honor the Time-Out by respecting the space.
The space of the time-out helps our nervous systems to calm, so that our mood can shift back from protection to engagement. Help make this possible by doing something relaxing. Take a walk, relax, read, exercise, journal, meditate, or work on a project. Avoid alcohol and substance use. If you need some help with practicing self-care, see some of the self-care and wellness articles on this blog.
4) Reconnect at the agreed-upon time.
Don’t leave your partner hanging. The time-out usually restores a sense of calm, but feelings are still sensitive, so a long-waiting partner may feel let down if they have to wait and wait. Keeping the time part in a time-out helps to restore trust and connection.
Frequently Asked Questions
Question: How much time should I request when I make a timeout?
When you call the time-out check in and see how upset or angry you are. Sometimes, for a mild upset, it may only require 15 or 20 minutes to calm down and return to the conversation with a sense of empathy and care. Other times, the hurt we feel may be intense and requires a longer time-out, a few hours, time enough to get out of the house and go for a long walk or a drive, perhaps complete some mundane tasks that help bring things back to baseline.
Question: What if I call a time-out, and the time passes, and I’m still feeling some hurt or frustration with my partner?
Answer: Mild feelings of hurt or frustration are totally normal and to be expected at the end of a time-out break. What’s important is that the intense feelings have passed, that you feel calmer, and more able to feel empathy, curiosity, and care for your partner’s feelings. If you or your partner finds they need a little more time, you can request extra time, an extra half-hour or hour, even a couple of hours by saying/texting “I need more time” and giving a specific time to reconnect. Just make sure that you both reconnect at the agreed upon time/
Question: What if I call a time-out for a few hours, but then that time comes and goes, and I’m still feeling intensely angry, hurt, or bothered?
Answer: This can happen. Occasionally, during a big rupture, it may be necessary to set a time with your partner for the next day. That said, most day-to-day conflicts shouldn’t require more than a few hours for a time-out. If you find that intense feelings of anger and hurt do not subside after a few hours, then it may be a sign of deeper relationship wounding. A sign of deeper wounding would be painful feelings that don’t go away and repetitive negative thoughts about your partner. If you or your partner are experiencing deeper relationship wounding, couples counseling or individual therapy can help.
Question: What if we take a time-out, but then start arguing just like we were before?
Answer: A second time-out can be called if necessary, and the issue put off for a day, or later if other life responsibilities are making the issue difficult to address. Again, the main objective of time-outs is to avoid the kind of full-blown conflicts that leave partners in pain and deepen mistrust in the relationship.