Emotionally Focused Therapy
Developing clarity and stability to create deep connections
Do you find that you and your partner:
keep getting into the same repeated conflicts again and again?
get into arguments around topics like finances, sex, household responsibilities, or childcare?
find it difficult to repair and reconnect after arguing or withdrawing from each other?
have issues of trust with each other, due to things that happened in this relationship or before this relationship
both want to feel closer and more capable of navigating tough topics and challenging moments
How EFT Helps You Get To Reliable, Satisfying Connection
First, you and your partner learn the patterns that hook you into cycles of conflict. This awareness enables you to catch misunderstandings when they arise and repair more quickly. You learn how to share with each other in a way that is authentic and approachable. At first, communicating like this can feel a little risky, but as you experience how well it works, and how much better things feel when you do it this way, you begin to feel less doubt and fear, and more hope and connection. Conflicts become less intense and less frequent, and you get better at regaining connection and repairing ruptures when conflicts do happen.
Next, having broken free of the negative cycle, you will learn to deepen connection by letting go of the protective blocks that have undermined connection in the past. You develop the confidence to reach for each other from the places of vulnerability, and in doing so, you learn to feel the deep satisfaction of being seen, valued, and even treasured by each other. Your trust and faith in the relationship deepens into hope and fulfillment. A lasting sense of confidence takes hold. You can navigate whatever life brings.
Finally, as you approach the conclusion of the work, you consolidate what you have learned and resolve challenging topics from a new place of confidence and connection. You and your partner conclude the therapeutic journey in a brand new chapter of your lives together, marked by the calm knowledge that whatever life has in store, you and your partner can meet any challenge together, from a place of strength, care, and connection.
What is EFT like in session?
EFT therapists tend to be really warm and engaging. We want to know your full experience, what you are feeling, what you are thinking, what’s going on on the inside, so we ask questions and we reflect it back to see if we are hearing you correctly. Step by step, you built the muscles of practicing emotional awareness and then communicating from an authentic, heartfelt place. Think of it as the emotional gym and we are your personal trainer, urging you on, and supporting you with tons of validation. We help you make sense of what’s going on inside and then learn to communicate from the heart.
I’ve heard couples therapy can be contentious, with the therapist acting like a referee. Is EFT like that?
Nope. Nothing like that. Typically, you and your partner will spend next to no time in session arguing, and the EFT therapist acts like a guide rather than a referee. We take the hot-button moments where conflict erupts, and we get really curious about what is happening for both of you. We look at how both of you react in ways that make sense, while also exploring what emotions - like fear, sadness, and shame - are beneath those reactions. Once we know what you’re feeling and why, it opens the doors to a completely new set of skillful ways that you and your partner can engage.
My partner and I would like a set of skills. Does EFT teach communication skills?
That’s a great question. It’s great to have communication skills, but the greatest communication skill, the one from which all other skills flow, is the ability to recognize one’s own internal experience when emotions start to get intense, which they absolutely do when the person we love is doing something that triggers hurt, anger, and fear in us. We can know every tool or skill in the world, but we tend to forget them in the heat of an argument or rupture, when the pain of the moment causes us to question ourselves and our relationship. In those moments, we need to be able to see the powerful feelings we are experiencing and discover how to use them in a way that enhances, rather than undermines, connection. With that being said, I have found that a helpful complement to EFT is the approach of Imago Relationship Therapy, which I teach, as it can support you and your partner in the process of moving from reactivity to vulnerability with each other.
